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Post Divorce Dating

When people divorce, they start having wonderful conversations with their soon to be ex. They are deep and meaningful and full of emotion because there is nothing to lose. When fear comes in, we contract and when we feel loved, we expand. You might not be ready for dating for awhile- make sure you are whole before you get back out there. make sure you don't hurt people because you are wounded and we all know that hurting people, hurt people.

Here's continued guidance about dating and relationships that I wish people would take to heart:

9-Don’t Confess Love Without Meaning It

The “L” word is so easy to say that most people are quick to throw it out – but be warned!

Saying you love someone when you don’t really is one of the worst things you can ever do.

He’ll believe that you’re genuinely in love with him and all the while you’re actually still trying to figure out your jumble of emotions. Do your relationship a favor by holding off on offering the word “love” until you’re absolutely certain it’s how you really and truly feel.

By the way, that goes for sex as well. People who have sex within the first three months of the relationship skip some developmental steps and have to come back and revisit them.

They are more clingy and let’s face it, if your sexuality is valuable to you and you had sex after 3-5 dates, you are sending a signal to your partner. Is it the signal you want to send?

8-Demanding Anything From Him Is A Bad Idea

If you’re expecting to be spoiled, you’re not ready for a real relationship. When you love someone, you obviously want to spoil them. There’s a reason people say they want to give someone the moon – it’s because when you’re in love, you’re willing to give them anything their heart desires. The truth is, a gift offered is a million times better than a gift demanded. If you can’t sit back and wait, or at least ask politely, for something, then you’re not ready for a real relationship.

Likewise, receiving is incredibly challenging for some people. I have heard horror stories about what people expect from their partner and it is exploitive. That’s not love or even close.

Some demand the jewelry or the car, or expensive vacation to prove they are loved and worthy and then realize it didn’t really help. Now, you’ve created an ever growing demand for proof of love. Ask for your preferences, of course, but demanding and giving consequences for not meeting your demands sounds more like a hostage situation.

“Will you still love me if…?”

7-Stringing Him Along

If you’re using him as a backup in case you can’t find Mr. Right, then you need to just stop. It’s not fair to him and it makes you out to be the bad guy – which really, you are in this case.

When you’re in a real relationship, you’re honest with your partner. There’s no need to string him along because you’re with him for all the right reasons. If you’re not expecting things to progress, then it’s time to sever the relationship and stop wasting his (and your) time.

Be nice about it, but no guesswork. Have tact and use a filter, but if you are done, be honest with both yourself and your partner. Are you in it for the right reasons?

6-Conforming To Who He Wants

One of the worst things you can ever do in a relationship is morph into the person your partner wants you to be, instead of remaining true to who you really are. As cheese ball as it sounds, it’s true. Your partner will love you for you who are or they won’t. In a real relationship, he’ll fall for you because of your personality, style and the way you carry yourself, not because you’re willing to change to be his “ideal.” Hold more respect for yourself and learn to have a real relationship with the real you.

Don’t over accommodate or sell yourself out or abandon yourself for anyone, ever. Don’t do it. Imagine falling in love with someone and then realizing they were not who they said they were. That feels awful. Be who you are, accept and love who you are and the relationship starts out on firm foundation.

5-Always Taking, Never Giving

It’s so easy to accept gifts! It’s almost too easy, really. He buys you flowers and meals and he takes you out on dates and always showers you with compliments and it’s like every day with him is the best day of your life. While this is all wonderful, it’s important to remember that you should be returning compliments, getting him gifts as well and at least offering to pay for things every now and then. The best way to show your thanks is by reciprocating.

We all expect reciprocation, at some point. Not tit for tat. Not giving just to get, but I have had this experience myself repeatedly. I want the relationship she is getting from me. I have signaled to her that she is entitled to unconditional love and she doesn’t ever have to give.

How long does that last? Why not return the favor and build each other up and keep the flow of energy, so there’s more for everyone?

4-She Shouldn’t Guilt Him When She Doesn’t Get Her Way

Similar to throwing a tantrum, trying to guilt your partner so you can have your way is a huge form of manipulation. Your partner isn’t clay to be molded, they’re human beings who deserve enough respect that you know better than to try to make them feel awful just so you can feel a little better about something. Once you mature enough to stop trying to manipulate your partner, a true and real relationship can begin – but keep in mind a real relationship can never come about with a spoiled brat.

As a couples counselor, I hear this one quite a bit. We influence our partners daily.

Everything I do, affects her. Everything she does, affects me. But deliberately manipulating with guilt or fear is not pleasant for anyone involved. One of my teachers reminded us that until we have perfect understanding, getting what we want may not be a good thing. Let nature take its course and go with the flow.

3-Stop Trying To Make Him Jealous

If he isn’t giving you enough attention, tell him! Don’t just go out and start openly flirting with a complete stranger in an attempt to turn your partner’s head. Grow up and learn to actually communicate your emotions. This is definitely key to any real relationship – open lines of communication. He’ll respect the fact that you shared your feelings way more than he could ever come to respecting your attempts at making him jealous. If he sees you’re mature about things, he is likely to follow suit.

I know guys who will drop a woman immediately if she pulls this game. Communicate like a healthy adult about your emotions and wonderful things can happen. Call out the best in one another, not the worst, please. And yes, you will see advice to the contrary all over the internet. Please think for yourself and accept some influence from "the experts."

2-Don’t Fish For Compliments

If you’re going to meet up after work for a nice dinner, don’t show up with perfect makeup and pretend like you’re unhappy with the results. Fishing for compliments is tacky and when a compliment is forthcoming, you’ll feel a lot less flattered than if your date came up with a compliment on their own. Your partner shouldn’t feel like he has to comment on your cute hairstyle or new dress – he should comment because what he’s saying is truly what he’s thinking about you.

I remember being told what I was to compliment and when to do so. I personally don’t appreciate being told what to do, let alone when to do it. I also did not find it attractive at all. I like what I like and I call attention to it with telling her how it impacts me. I don’t tell her something is beautiful, I tell her I enjoy spending time with her. I don’t define her reality, I tell her I appreciate how her blouse matches her eyes and that I feel attracted to her soulful eyes.

1-Real Men Don’t Like Women Who Put Themselves Down

Another way some women fish for compliments is that they’ll say something like, “Oh my gosh, I look so fat today!” This isn’t cute and the first thing he’s going to do is feel obligated to say you’re perfect just the way you are. If you go as far as making a habit of putting yourself down, he won’t be the only one tired of trying to lift your spirits. Don’t alienate yourself from friends and family with a “Debbie Downer” attitude – be yourself and watch your relationship blossom.

Think about attraction and confidence. Confident women…ahhh

When you call attention to the body parts you do not like, you are influencing me. Now, I am forced to look at that body part. If I agree with you, I know what happens next. If I disagree with your perception, I may just be invalidating you. It feels like a no win situation. I might actually really like how you look and find you stunning. I may never notice that scar you find hideous. I might like your thighs and stomach exactly as they are. I may find you perfectly acceptable and not want you to change, unless you want to change.


te*I am continuing this blog from the same author and publication- with some side notes


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