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Am I Ready to Date?

Sometimes people ask me questions about dating and if they are ready, because they are not fully divorced. Be careful not to repeat the same pattern that contributed to the divorce.

“I want real connection to sustain me and my girlfriend says she wants that but... not really because she doesn’t follow through.”

There are many reasons someone might not follow through, so think through how you would ask about following through…

A. “I was really hoping we could connect tonight. Are you interested?”

B. “You didn’t answer when I asked and I wonder what you would like me to interpret from that”

C. “I didn’t hear back from you after I reached out and that landed badly. What did you intend for me to hear from that?”

D. Other

What’s it like for you when you don’t feel connected?

Ever feel rejected or abandoned?

Ever reject the other person before they reject you?

Ever abandon yourself, but blame it on your partner?

Ever push them away and wonder why they went away?

Do you feel emotionally disengaged or lonely? What do you do with that?

Gottman talks about bidding for connection. When you reach for your partner, do they accept your bid and turn toward you? Do they turn away when you try to connect? Do they turn against you and get angry when you ask to connect? Successful couples have a high percentage of connection and therefore bids. Some couples do not recognize bids without the bids being very direct.


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If you are interested in contacting a mediator, may I suggest Cyndy Rochford (585) 348-9786? She is an attorney who uses Collaborative Law and Mediation to help couples and she is graduate of Cornell.

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They have been talking about the fact that they don’t read each other well. Her signals and his signals are not the same. They tried this: What signals do I interpret as you care? Clarifying- “it is n

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